session #001: the beginning

Allow me to introduce you to Something Is Definitely Wrong With This Picture.
This is a blog wherein I, a person with no fucking idea what they're talking about, reviews movies in shorthand. On a regular basis.

Sometimes it will be funny. Sometimes it will offend you. Sometimes it will confuse you.

Overall, we hold these truths to be self-evident:

No film is unwatchable. Unless it is.
No director is pure-hearted unless their name starts with Quentin and ends with Tarantino.
You are not a tree. Or a film critic.

With that in mind...

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The Day After Tomorrow
DO. NOT. SEE. THIS. MOVIE. IT SUCKS ASS. IT SUCKS MORE ASS THAN AN ASS-EATING FAN. IT TAKES A GOOD CAST AND BENDS THEM OVER AND DOES THEM RIGHT IN THE BUTT. OH GOD, NO. IT'S LIKE WATCHING THE WEATHER CHANNEL/A BAD ACTION MOVIE W/LOTS OF CG/BAD DIALOGUE IN A MANDY MOORE FILM. IF YOU ENJOYED THIS MOVIE AND ITS TERRIBLE EDITING YOU SHOULD BE RAPED AND GASSED.

The Bourne Supremacy
Great flick if you turn off your brain and just let Jason Bourne kick the shit out of everyone in the CIA both literally and figuratively. Damn, Jason Bourne is cool. The book kicks the movie's ass from here to Sunday, but damn, Jason Bourne is cool. *_* Go Matt Damon. Go Matt Damon, indeed.

Collateral
Jamie Foxx: Kickass black comedian/actor who gets so the props.

Tom Cruise: Kickass white actor whose stints in "Vanilla Sky" and "M-I: 2--Voyage Into Ethan Hunt's Anus" can totally be forgiven.

Plot involving a poor cabbie beong forced to escort a sociopathic hitman around L.A. and conspiracy and drug running and a nicely played romantic subplot and a lot of surprisingly well-done philosophical sequences: SO WIN. Go see this movie. It's the shit.

Man on Fire
Denzel Washington is big black guy with gun who must take care of little cute girl. Then she's kidnapped. He gets mad and kills half of Mexico's police force. Then she comes back and he dies. This is sad. I think.

Spartan
Val Kilmer is a slick mofo superspy. But then he almost gets shot looking for the President's daughter who's being sold as a whore in Russia only she doesn't know it yet. So he has to kill a bunch of people with guns and knives. Moral of the story: "Don't look for the President's daughter."

The Manchurian Candidate
This was a very confusing movie that opened up all sorts of plot twists and never solved them. Basically Denzel Washington got all mind-controlled and it was nuts and it was the Gulf War. And now a corporation is planning to Liev Schrieber (who's also mind controlled) the President through EVIL. And Denzel starts having visions and shit and trips out and then finds out he was getting mind controlled. And he makes out with a hot black chick but he still wants to shoot Liev. And Liev's mother wants to have sex with her son because she's Meryl Streep and insane. So she does and then Liev gets shot because Denzel's mind control backfires and so does she and oh god blood everywhere. Then Denzel Washington goes to Iraq and stares at the ocean while putting photographs in it.