session #011: OH LOOK IT'S STILL HERE

Yeah, you people probably thought I was gone. Well...no. Not, in fact, so much. I am still here. Still fucking your mom. Still fucking snorting blow off her nipple because I have nothing better to do. Oh, and watch movies, I do that too. Old movies. Mostly they suck. LIKE YOUR MOM. Oh snap, son, I did go there.

---

Charisma

THE TREE IS EVIL, AND THE CITY IS ON FIRE.

ALSO, THERE ARE NO LARGE ANIMALS IN JAPAN.

...Fucking Kiyoshi Kurosawa.

Dead and Breakfast

Why is it that so few people have made such beautiful things as the modern zombie musical? Especially a modern zombie musical involving David Carradine and black magic Buddhism? Why, I ask you?

Dreamcatcher

So apparently Stephen King did an alien invasion story in the style of both Aliens and Lovecraft. And then someone had the good sense to make a movie of it that didn't suck! Hooray! Everyone wins! I DUDDITS!

Feast

Well, I didn't think Project Greenlight would ever produce anything worthwhile, but apparently I am wrong. They have produced an excellent monster movie with some of the most genuinely terrifying and gory moments in cinematic history. This is a modern horror masterpiece. You should in fact watch it right now.

Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood

Jason Voorhees vs. a hotter blonde Carrie. Absolutely everyone wins. Except blonde Carrie's dad...and mom...and the Worst Doctor Ever. Oh, and all the other people Jason murdered in a brutal manner.

Halloween III: Season of the Witch

Will "Not Burt Reynolds" and "Dr. Gothgirl" prevent evil Irish people and their Stonehenge-powered masks from killing a whole truckload of children?
Will you watch? Do you care? Why doesn't this movie have anything to do with
Michael Myers or a witch? How do I get that stupid fucking song out of my head?!

EIGHT MORE DAYS TILL HALLOWEEN! HALLOWEEN! HALLOWEEN! EIGHT MORE DAYS TILL HALLOWEEN! SILV-ER SHAMROCK!

Santa's Slay

Santa Claus, who it turns out is the murder-happy, ultra-muscular progeny of the Devil. A hellbeast buffalo and a rocket-powered sleigh. A town called Hell, Michigan, populated by some of the least likeable people on Planet Earth and Archangel Grandpa. Blood ensues.

Silent Hill

So...they...they actually made a movie about a video game. Which was like playing the video game. With only a few, generally subtle, differences. And cameos from everyone's favorite characters.

Well...uh...shit. Wow. Good job, Hollywood? No, no, I'm feeding their ego, damn it...

Sleepaway Camp

I will say absolutely nothing about this movie beyond the fact that the mere fact that it exists is possibly solid proof that Satan runs the American movie industry with a grip of purest iron, or that the early 1980s were a point when he simply ruled the entirety of Earth. Nothing less than the Dark Lord of Hell could have created this.

Oh, and SHE WAS A BOY, THAT EXPLAINS EVERYTHING! ROLL CREDITS!

Stay Alive

What begins as possibly the most fifteen agonizing minutes of a teen horror movie ever for anyone who has ever picked up a video game rapidly becomes something of a fun, if completely illogical and somewhat forgettable romp through Louisiana avoiding a 17th-century noblewoman who should really, really be in Hungary, but has somehow set up camp in voodoo country.

Also, all ladies should be advised that they may in fact have "body karate goin' ooonnnn". No, there is no reason for this or way to escape it.

The Final Countdown

....Hey, have you ever wanted to see a time travel movie where absolutely nothing happens? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING IN THE MOVIE ACTUALLY HAPPENS OR MATTERS?! Then you're in luck! Because some assholes, and also somehow Martin Sheen, go back in time on the USS Nimitz to Pearl Harbor, 1941... to do ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING!!! Oh, sure, they act like they're going to do things, and...and...things happen...but then the fucking time-portal comes back and it doesn't happen!!!

THIS IS NOT A GOOD MOVIE. ANYONE WHO TELLS YOU IT IS DESERVES TO BE SHOT IN THEIR FACE WITH ACID-COVERED BUCKSHOT.

This movie is so bad that the federal government should provide funds to ensure that every copy of this movie in existence is hunted down and destroyed. Like vermin. It is so bad that the Bill of Rights and the Geneva Convention should have clauses excluding the people involved with the production of The Final Countdown from any human rights whatsoever. If Sleepaway Camp was the product of people caught in Satan's iron hand, then The Final Countdown was actually written, directed, and produced by individuals forced to live inside Satan's fetid asshole.

The Road Warrior

MAD. FUCKING. MAX. It...it's The Road Warrior. Every moment of your life until seeing this movie is a little less bright than those that come after.

session #010: what do you call a ten-post celebration?

You call it pointless as fuck. Jesus dammit. By ten posts I wanted to be making money off this fucking thing. YOU ROBBED ME, BLOGGER.COM. You took my quivering soul-mush and sucked it through your TUBE OF LIES.

Oh well. I still have the talking bananas. They love me. Unlike you assholes.

And now I'll review some movies. Because the bananas want me to. Not because I have no other purpose in life. That's a fucking lie, and Mr. Chiquita says I can throw you fuckers off a building for saying it. Oh yes.

---

Dark City

A movie that does the "our world is a complete facade operated my inhuman, evil beings from beyond" so much better than the Wachowski brothers ever did, it's nigh on unforgivable. The city was creepier, the reality was bleaker, hell, even the villains were better. Hugo Weaving is a bad motherfucker, yes, but was he a pale flying man in a stylish trenchcoat and hat who could alter reality with a flick of his mental asscheek? No. No, he wasn't.

And "John Murdoch" just sounds better than fucking "Neo." Plus he doesn't die. He's too cool.

War of the Worlds

Steven Spielberg once again demonstrates his incredible talent for crafting a film in which the setting is brilliantly executed, the threat is nasty and scary and badass as all hell, and you want to fuck every single human character but the two protagonists to death with a rusty spoon. Wait, no, Tim Robbins was cool, but the protagonist *did* kill him. Oh, the horrible, horrible irony.

You should have saved the tire iron for your ex-wife, Tom Cruise. You really should've.

And her asshole husband.

And your son who thought the CLEARLY ALIEN TRIPODS were from EUROPE...

Y'know, had a little bloodbath...come unhinged...your kid would forgive you. She hated them too... *prays for this in the DVD*

Star Wars Episode III: The Revenge of the Sith

Good: Mucho lightsabers. Wookiees. Anakin less of a bitch. Relationship with Padme more plausible. Darker themes. DARTH FUCKING VADER. Emperor Palpatine owning everyone's ass. Stormtroopers. Did I mention Darth Vader? Oh, and Jar Jar ISN'T THERE.

Bad: Crippling, asstastic lines from Anakin and Padme alike. General Grievous coughing like an old bitch and not having enough screen time. Battle droids downgraded from "stormtroopers lite" to "dumbass mooks". Jar Jar not roasted on spit, and fed to Senate at First Imperial Banquet (though there's always the deleted scenes.)

Ugly: "NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!" (or James Earl Jones Fucks Up His Line Just To Spite Lucas.)

Marebito

Honestly unsettling little Japanese horror film from the maker of Ju-On: The Grudge (you know, the one they put Buffy the Vampire Slayer in and subsequently screwed with a fire hose?) done entirely in a "reality show", low-budget style that...well...sucked. It made up for this cinematographic fuck-up by imitating almost to a tee the style of H.P. Lovecraft.

Never trust a pale, naked girl you find chained to a post in an underground city. You'll regret it.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

Yes, Johnny Depp is kinda creepy and kinderphobic as Wonka (not that I fault him, as I wouldn't touch any of the kids with a ten-foot pole but Charlie, and it's hilarious.)

Yes, the Oompa-Loompas are still kinda scary, and yes, they still sing. (They also disco-dance, and the songs are fun and catchy. None of this "Oompa-loompa-loompa-de-doo" shit.)

Yes, there's still a tacked-on ending. (It has nothing to do, however, with the OBEY JESUS OR FUCKING DIE YOU HEATHEN FUCK of Mel Stuart's ass-tastic rape of Roald Dahl's book. It's actually a very touching little thing involving the importance of family.)

That being said, this movie is fucking magical and lovely in the way that only Tim Burton could do it, and the next best thing to the book itself. Gene Wilder can go masturbate with some crazy glue, I'll take Wonka reading cue cards about his chocolate over singing "Pure Imagination" any day of any fucking week ever.

Izo

....When I go to the institution, screaming and raving and clawing at my face, I swear to every deity in fuck-all, I will end up rocking back and forth and saying this:

"Takashi Miike...you bastard...YOU did this...oh DAMN you, Miike...DAMN you....DAMN YOU RIGHT TO HELL~!!!!"

session #009: a hiatus by any other name....

Still leaves you with a motherfucking backlog. Yes, you clamoring assgoblins, I'm back, and yes, I've seen a fuckload of movies. Further evidence that just like you, I have no life whatsoever. Fucking Christ. Someone please shoot me.

....once I finish this update. I'd rather not die at the computer. It'd be kinda, y'know, lame.

---

Blade Runner

You remember seeing this movie? At, like, 15? And so not getting it at all? That was because you were retarded. This movie is the very essence of cyberpunk awesomeness, distilled into film. It's also the only existing proof that Harrison Ford can play a complex character, so it's worth watching just for that.

Vanishing Point

You wouldn't think you could manage to fuck up a movie about a guy trying to get from Chicago to San Francisco in three days. Especially if it has the sheriff from Blazing Saddles in it, and wonderfully brilliant car chases. Unfortunately, though, someone decided to try to attach a plot absolutely chock-full of bullshit to this one, and some kind of trite bullshit ending involving bulldozers. So...yeah. They managed to.

Visitor Q

.......the....horror.....the...horror.......

"It's not a miracle of life! It's SHIT!"

Sin City

Robert Rodriguez does something unknown in Hollywood up to this point and actually gets Frank Miller to help him adapt Frank's graphic novels. This, Hollywood, is called using your brain.

The result is an absolutely wonderful and endlessly quotable bucket of modern noir goodness. There is no way not to recommend it. GO! SEE! NOW!

Ley Lines

....Jesus. A Takashi Miike movie that's actually mediocre and hard to remember, but easy to watch? Is nothing sacred anymore? I mean...shit, man...just....shit...

Ashes and Diamonds

A Polish film about post-WWII Poland with political intrigue and a really badass guy in sunglasses. Kinda like Jean-Luc Godard's Band of Outsiders without all the Frenchiness and with more awesome.

The Most Terrible Time In My Life

Being a private eye in Japan just fucking sucks. Being a doomed private eye who has to chase after a gang calling themselves the "New Japs" is even worse. However, the film itself is an entertaining little noir entry in the annals of Japanese cinema.

Moon Child

WHO GAVE GACKT A CAMERA?!??! AND A SCRIPT?!!

MORE IMPORTANTLY, WHO GAVE THAT NUTCASE A MOTHERFUCKING SET OF MATRIX GUNS?!?

....WHEN I FIND OUT WHO YOU ARE, YOUR ASS IS MINE, BITCH.

session #008: the joys of smokin' crack.

Crack is good. Crack is fun. Crack's a great time for everyone! ADDICT YOUR KIDS TO CRACK TODAY. Or I'll kidnap them and eat their livers raw, bitch.

Uhm...yeah. So now it's time for movie reviews?

---

Dawn of the Dead

The original George Romero flick. Not the shitty "it's the Real World, with zombies and shit!" remake done by God-knows-who. This movie is instead the story of four bad motherfuckers against a world of zombies that munch human flesh and are always hungry. It has zombie-killing. It has intestine-munching. It has Pete, for Christ's fucking sake. I rest my case.

"When there's no more room in Hell....the Dead will walk the Earth."

Assault on Precinct 13

Uhm....wow. This is not entertaining at all. This is fucking bullshit. John Carpenter, you are an irredeemable asshole. I mean...Jesus. Only you could make a cop movie this terrible, and only the 80s could ever have let you produce it without having the film community declare a fatwa on your punk ass.

"When there's no more room in the projects, the blacks will walk the Earth. And the Mexicans will be with them."

Shark Skin Man and Peach Hip Girl

This guy is the closest thing Japan has to Quentin Tarantino (NO, TAKASHI MIIKE DOES NOT COUNT. TAKASHI MIIKE IS IN HIS OWN FUCKING UNIVERSE.), and this frenetic ultra-action love story between two of the most unlikely characters (Asano? As a HERO? As a fucking OKAY GUY? Yeah, he's a Yakuza, but...but...STILL!) with plenty of wonderful and hilarious twists and turns is evidence of his great talent. Don't fucking BLINK, though, or you'll miss a plot point...or something really funny.

session #007: crime pays....your mom...

If only my dad had underworld connections. Then by now I could be a mafia boss. I would have so much money I could fucking eat it in my sandwiches. Instead, I'm going to college. Fuckin' A.

On the plus side, I can watch a lot of crime movies in hollow imitation of my dream.

---

Deadly Outlaw: Rekka

Riki Takeuchi is a savage motherfucker. And he's also a half-Korean yakuza boss named Kunichi. And he gets double-crossed. You know what happens when you double-cross this guy? ROCKET LAUNCHERS, BITCH, THAT'S WHAT.

City of Lost Souls

Apparently Takashi Miike can do a Latin romance/action movie. Except unlike most of those, the Latin guy is a badass motherfucker named Mario with a Chinese girlfriend who can light people on fire with vodka. And they're caught up in a war between the really really cool Yakuza and the really stereotypical Triads who live in a cave and like bondage. It also has MATRIX CHICKEN FIGHTING.

Dead or Alive

This movie has possibly the most insane first ten minutes in cinema history. And it never fucking lets up. IT NEVER FUCKING LETS UP. Right till the END. Which I can't even hint at because it's the most crazy ending ever. Ever.

(WARNING: When you get to the part where the old guy starts talking about his cock, fast-forward and look away until the scene is over. This scene will ruin the movie for you if you watch it.)

Heat

Al Pacino vs. Robert DeNiro. All across the nightscape of Los Angeles, Michael Mann-style. And with a gunfight that turns the LAPD into a bunch of swiss-cheese cars and a "Help Wanted" ad. Of course, all the characters except De Niro were horrible assholes, but you loved them anyhow! Except Ashley Judd, who doesn't deserve to exist as an actress.

session #006: and now for something ungood.

I really don't know what to say. I have so been sapped dry of creativity for these little introduction piece of shit things.

So I'll let you make one.

INSERT DEEP AND MEANINGFUL THOUGHT OR DRY CYNICISM HERE, OMFG

By the way, today we review some movies which are absolutely terrible. INSERT RANDOM USE OF THE WORD 'MOTHERFUCKER'

---

Barbarella: Queen of the Galaxy
This movie, starring Jane Fonda before her days of activism for the cause of women's liberation, is one of the deepest, most passionately made movies ever to grace the silver sc--

....Wait. What the fuck am I talking about? This is fucking Barbarella. It's like a really, really terrible sixties softcore porn movie with a sci-fi plot. Also, there was acid involved, I swear to God. If you don't believe me, then....no, I won't tell you to watch it.

Junk
I have got only three words for you. Three netspeak words, no less.

OMG. LOL. And WTF.

session #005: you have much to learn, young samurai.

So yeah. I was lying about the Kiyoshi Kurosawa movies. I'm a lying piece of shit like that.

However, this update will give you three juicy Japanese films and one extremely scary film that no one should ever be subjected to, in the little nutshell you've come to expect from me, the BE. Thank you all for making this blog possible...NOT. Now get the fuck out.

---

Gojoe: Spirit War Chronicle

If Versus, instead of being epic, campy, and silly as all fuck, had been epic, gritty, and filled with very deep meaning, it would be this movie. This movie redefines the samurai film, and it does it so beautifully you can't help but applaud. It's absolutely wonderful, and the fight scenes are amazing. Also, Tadanobu Asano is the fucking pimp of all Japanese actors. Ever.

The Blind Swordsman, Zatoichi

Why should you see this movie? Well, let's see...

Takeshi Kitano? As a blind man who can wield a katana with a force and grace I have seen in no other movie? Starring alongside Tadanobu Asano? The plot was almost as spaghetti-western than Kill Bill, but it's not like we MIND that, do we? Especially when it comes with the most realistic samurai action EVER. The day Tarantino and Kitano team up, the world will be such a better place.

BONUS: This one can be found with the DVD of Sonatine included. SUREFIRE DOUBLE WIN.

Samurai Fiction

Another movie that redefines the samurai epic; except it does so in a brilliant, feel-good sendup of the old Akira Kurosawa films that will both move you and make your sides split with laughter....and what's really brilliant about it is, it does this with so much style. This movie is so classy it, like, emanates style. From its nonexistent pores. It's fucking awesome.

Ichi the Killer

......*blink*

.......WHAT.....THE.....HELL?!?!??!?!?!?!

...........*twitch violently*

NO!!! SERIOUSLY!!! WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!?!?!????!!!!

*claw at eyes and curl up in the fetal position, whimpering*