session #007: crime pays....your mom...

If only my dad had underworld connections. Then by now I could be a mafia boss. I would have so much money I could fucking eat it in my sandwiches. Instead, I'm going to college. Fuckin' A.

On the plus side, I can watch a lot of crime movies in hollow imitation of my dream.

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Deadly Outlaw: Rekka

Riki Takeuchi is a savage motherfucker. And he's also a half-Korean yakuza boss named Kunichi. And he gets double-crossed. You know what happens when you double-cross this guy? ROCKET LAUNCHERS, BITCH, THAT'S WHAT.

City of Lost Souls

Apparently Takashi Miike can do a Latin romance/action movie. Except unlike most of those, the Latin guy is a badass motherfucker named Mario with a Chinese girlfriend who can light people on fire with vodka. And they're caught up in a war between the really really cool Yakuza and the really stereotypical Triads who live in a cave and like bondage. It also has MATRIX CHICKEN FIGHTING.

Dead or Alive

This movie has possibly the most insane first ten minutes in cinema history. And it never fucking lets up. IT NEVER FUCKING LETS UP. Right till the END. Which I can't even hint at because it's the most crazy ending ever. Ever.

(WARNING: When you get to the part where the old guy starts talking about his cock, fast-forward and look away until the scene is over. This scene will ruin the movie for you if you watch it.)

Heat

Al Pacino vs. Robert DeNiro. All across the nightscape of Los Angeles, Michael Mann-style. And with a gunfight that turns the LAPD into a bunch of swiss-cheese cars and a "Help Wanted" ad. Of course, all the characters except De Niro were horrible assholes, but you loved them anyhow! Except Ashley Judd, who doesn't deserve to exist as an actress.