session #010: what do you call a ten-post celebration?

You call it pointless as fuck. Jesus dammit. By ten posts I wanted to be making money off this fucking thing. YOU ROBBED ME, BLOGGER.COM. You took my quivering soul-mush and sucked it through your TUBE OF LIES.

Oh well. I still have the talking bananas. They love me. Unlike you assholes.

And now I'll review some movies. Because the bananas want me to. Not because I have no other purpose in life. That's a fucking lie, and Mr. Chiquita says I can throw you fuckers off a building for saying it. Oh yes.

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Dark City

A movie that does the "our world is a complete facade operated my inhuman, evil beings from beyond" so much better than the Wachowski brothers ever did, it's nigh on unforgivable. The city was creepier, the reality was bleaker, hell, even the villains were better. Hugo Weaving is a bad motherfucker, yes, but was he a pale flying man in a stylish trenchcoat and hat who could alter reality with a flick of his mental asscheek? No. No, he wasn't.

And "John Murdoch" just sounds better than fucking "Neo." Plus he doesn't die. He's too cool.

War of the Worlds

Steven Spielberg once again demonstrates his incredible talent for crafting a film in which the setting is brilliantly executed, the threat is nasty and scary and badass as all hell, and you want to fuck every single human character but the two protagonists to death with a rusty spoon. Wait, no, Tim Robbins was cool, but the protagonist *did* kill him. Oh, the horrible, horrible irony.

You should have saved the tire iron for your ex-wife, Tom Cruise. You really should've.

And her asshole husband.

And your son who thought the CLEARLY ALIEN TRIPODS were from EUROPE...

Y'know, had a little bloodbath...come unhinged...your kid would forgive you. She hated them too... *prays for this in the DVD*

Star Wars Episode III: The Revenge of the Sith

Good: Mucho lightsabers. Wookiees. Anakin less of a bitch. Relationship with Padme more plausible. Darker themes. DARTH FUCKING VADER. Emperor Palpatine owning everyone's ass. Stormtroopers. Did I mention Darth Vader? Oh, and Jar Jar ISN'T THERE.

Bad: Crippling, asstastic lines from Anakin and Padme alike. General Grievous coughing like an old bitch and not having enough screen time. Battle droids downgraded from "stormtroopers lite" to "dumbass mooks". Jar Jar not roasted on spit, and fed to Senate at First Imperial Banquet (though there's always the deleted scenes.)

Ugly: "NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!" (or James Earl Jones Fucks Up His Line Just To Spite Lucas.)

Marebito

Honestly unsettling little Japanese horror film from the maker of Ju-On: The Grudge (you know, the one they put Buffy the Vampire Slayer in and subsequently screwed with a fire hose?) done entirely in a "reality show", low-budget style that...well...sucked. It made up for this cinematographic fuck-up by imitating almost to a tee the style of H.P. Lovecraft.

Never trust a pale, naked girl you find chained to a post in an underground city. You'll regret it.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

Yes, Johnny Depp is kinda creepy and kinderphobic as Wonka (not that I fault him, as I wouldn't touch any of the kids with a ten-foot pole but Charlie, and it's hilarious.)

Yes, the Oompa-Loompas are still kinda scary, and yes, they still sing. (They also disco-dance, and the songs are fun and catchy. None of this "Oompa-loompa-loompa-de-doo" shit.)

Yes, there's still a tacked-on ending. (It has nothing to do, however, with the OBEY JESUS OR FUCKING DIE YOU HEATHEN FUCK of Mel Stuart's ass-tastic rape of Roald Dahl's book. It's actually a very touching little thing involving the importance of family.)

That being said, this movie is fucking magical and lovely in the way that only Tim Burton could do it, and the next best thing to the book itself. Gene Wilder can go masturbate with some crazy glue, I'll take Wonka reading cue cards about his chocolate over singing "Pure Imagination" any day of any fucking week ever.

Izo

....When I go to the institution, screaming and raving and clawing at my face, I swear to every deity in fuck-all, I will end up rocking back and forth and saying this:

"Takashi Miike...you bastard...YOU did this...oh DAMN you, Miike...DAMN you....DAMN YOU RIGHT TO HELL~!!!!"