session #011: OH LOOK IT'S STILL HERE

Yeah, you people probably thought I was gone. Well...no. Not, in fact, so much. I am still here. Still fucking your mom. Still fucking snorting blow off her nipple because I have nothing better to do. Oh, and watch movies, I do that too. Old movies. Mostly they suck. LIKE YOUR MOM. Oh snap, son, I did go there.

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Charisma

THE TREE IS EVIL, AND THE CITY IS ON FIRE.

ALSO, THERE ARE NO LARGE ANIMALS IN JAPAN.

...Fucking Kiyoshi Kurosawa.

Dead and Breakfast

Why is it that so few people have made such beautiful things as the modern zombie musical? Especially a modern zombie musical involving David Carradine and black magic Buddhism? Why, I ask you?

Dreamcatcher

So apparently Stephen King did an alien invasion story in the style of both Aliens and Lovecraft. And then someone had the good sense to make a movie of it that didn't suck! Hooray! Everyone wins! I DUDDITS!

Feast

Well, I didn't think Project Greenlight would ever produce anything worthwhile, but apparently I am wrong. They have produced an excellent monster movie with some of the most genuinely terrifying and gory moments in cinematic history. This is a modern horror masterpiece. You should in fact watch it right now.

Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood

Jason Voorhees vs. a hotter blonde Carrie. Absolutely everyone wins. Except blonde Carrie's dad...and mom...and the Worst Doctor Ever. Oh, and all the other people Jason murdered in a brutal manner.

Halloween III: Season of the Witch

Will "Not Burt Reynolds" and "Dr. Gothgirl" prevent evil Irish people and their Stonehenge-powered masks from killing a whole truckload of children?
Will you watch? Do you care? Why doesn't this movie have anything to do with
Michael Myers or a witch? How do I get that stupid fucking song out of my head?!

EIGHT MORE DAYS TILL HALLOWEEN! HALLOWEEN! HALLOWEEN! EIGHT MORE DAYS TILL HALLOWEEN! SILV-ER SHAMROCK!

Santa's Slay

Santa Claus, who it turns out is the murder-happy, ultra-muscular progeny of the Devil. A hellbeast buffalo and a rocket-powered sleigh. A town called Hell, Michigan, populated by some of the least likeable people on Planet Earth and Archangel Grandpa. Blood ensues.

Silent Hill

So...they...they actually made a movie about a video game. Which was like playing the video game. With only a few, generally subtle, differences. And cameos from everyone's favorite characters.

Well...uh...shit. Wow. Good job, Hollywood? No, no, I'm feeding their ego, damn it...

Sleepaway Camp

I will say absolutely nothing about this movie beyond the fact that the mere fact that it exists is possibly solid proof that Satan runs the American movie industry with a grip of purest iron, or that the early 1980s were a point when he simply ruled the entirety of Earth. Nothing less than the Dark Lord of Hell could have created this.

Oh, and SHE WAS A BOY, THAT EXPLAINS EVERYTHING! ROLL CREDITS!

Stay Alive

What begins as possibly the most fifteen agonizing minutes of a teen horror movie ever for anyone who has ever picked up a video game rapidly becomes something of a fun, if completely illogical and somewhat forgettable romp through Louisiana avoiding a 17th-century noblewoman who should really, really be in Hungary, but has somehow set up camp in voodoo country.

Also, all ladies should be advised that they may in fact have "body karate goin' ooonnnn". No, there is no reason for this or way to escape it.

The Final Countdown

....Hey, have you ever wanted to see a time travel movie where absolutely nothing happens? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING IN THE MOVIE ACTUALLY HAPPENS OR MATTERS?! Then you're in luck! Because some assholes, and also somehow Martin Sheen, go back in time on the USS Nimitz to Pearl Harbor, 1941... to do ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING!!! Oh, sure, they act like they're going to do things, and...and...things happen...but then the fucking time-portal comes back and it doesn't happen!!!

THIS IS NOT A GOOD MOVIE. ANYONE WHO TELLS YOU IT IS DESERVES TO BE SHOT IN THEIR FACE WITH ACID-COVERED BUCKSHOT.

This movie is so bad that the federal government should provide funds to ensure that every copy of this movie in existence is hunted down and destroyed. Like vermin. It is so bad that the Bill of Rights and the Geneva Convention should have clauses excluding the people involved with the production of The Final Countdown from any human rights whatsoever. If Sleepaway Camp was the product of people caught in Satan's iron hand, then The Final Countdown was actually written, directed, and produced by individuals forced to live inside Satan's fetid asshole.

The Road Warrior

MAD. FUCKING. MAX. It...it's The Road Warrior. Every moment of your life until seeing this movie is a little less bright than those that come after.